I am so desperate to write something today. After writing two
decent articles in the week and getting some good comments from friends,
I’m tempted a lot indeed! But what should I write? Frankly speaking I
don’t have the right material to give a start today. And now the
following thoughts are storming my tiny brain – Am I obsessed with the
feeling of being liked? Am I an attention seeker? Am I really a writer?
During childhood days, everyone used to praise me for
whatever art related or academic stuff I used to do, e.g. scoring
exceptionally well in exams, drawing a picture, playing tabla, writing
an essay, playing cricket and blah , blah, blah. I simply loved the
words of praise (Generally most of the kids do I guess, at least the
kids of my times), parents used to compare their kids with me and well, I
was an example set! (I think the children who were compared must have
thought of punching me.) To maintain the image gained, I used to strive a
lot. So, I was a Perfect (?) child, huh!
Some fine day, I had a weird but a right thought,
“Are all these things giving me The Happiness or whatever I am looking
for?” The answer was quite straightforward, “No!” Disappointment!
Disgust! Ridicule! Wounds! Several severe wounds! Desperate for scoring
well in exam, by heart the whole thing, recite, who the hell in this
world cares whether I genuinely understand the phenomena! A perfect
sketch – a landscape – 3 triangular mountains, A sun popping out, A
typical house (The worst imagination. I used to draw the front face of
the house parallel to the cutting edge of the paper and still I used to
draw the side walls! I still wonder, “How could I be so dumb?”), a
couple of trees and a cow (which looked like a goat). Playing tabla,
huh? Beat it like hell, 8 people are playing it simultaneously, I must
be the loudest, No matter whether I am playing it correctly. An essay,
narrated by mother (most of the times) or copied from somewhere, the
length matters, contents hardly! Cricket was a passion and the reason
for nurturing ego. I was reasonably well in cricket when I was a kid. I
liked dominating, tried crossing the fence on every single occasion,
bowled as fast as I could and hated the most while tasting a defeat. No
creativity! No gusto! No control! No endurance! Only brittleness!
Selfishness! Ego!
The disappointing “No” changed my world. A wave to
bring out the Change got stronger. Thinking out of the shell helped.
Parting from 3 prime bad qualities was actually not so tough, hence I
could succeed easily. Nothing out of the world was done, a simple
thought served the cause, “I want to be Happy, I want to honest and
humble.” And finally Sudhanshu is discovered who studies to gain
knowledge, who writes because he wants to express, who cares because he
loves people, who derives fun in drawing alienated figures, who plays
tabla to uncover the peace, who makes friends because he wants to share,
who plays cricket to learn persistence. Still, physically everything is
same as childhood, but the outlook has changed. I am happy to discover
The Sudhanshu. I'm not perfect, I'm not great, I'm true to myself, I'm
flexible.
A blend of various feelings has captured my mind at
this stage. But, I am quite happy and relaxed. This article was not
intended; in fact I never thought I could write this! Being weird helps. I have nothing to prove now because I have the real treasure with me.
I guess, I have answered the questions which were storming my brain
when I initiated the article. This article isn’t well structured and the
reason is quite obvious. I’m going to tag many in this piece of
literature and even this reason is quite obvious. (This statement holds
the core of the article.)
- Sudhanshu
